


Be Careful What You Wish For

by JakkuCrew (fromstars)



Series: Wishful Thinking [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, Sexual Humor, Trope Subversion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-13
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-05-20 01:35:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5987656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fromstars/pseuds/JakkuCrew
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>"Listen,"</i> Poe said, "I am <i>always</i> in favor of a damn fine <i>fuck-or-die</i> scenario, but this is really <i>not</i> going to do it for me."</p><p> </p><p>Misfire Fill for the TFA Kinkmeme.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Be Careful What You Wish For

**Author's Note:**

> Misfire Comment on the TFA Kinkmeme: _I'm always in favour of a damn fine fuck-or-die scenario. Seconded._ Potential warning for implied threat of dubious consent, but no actual dub-con.

"Listen," Poe said, as he attempted to scrub the greasy slime he'd landed in off of his shins. "I am _always_ in favor of a damn fine _fuck-or-die_ scenario, but this is really _not_ going to do it for me." Not that he'd ever pictured himself being captured by a Hutt and dressed up in a rather elaborate scrap of fabric that only barely covered his ass, with a shirt that was essentially _just_ sleeves and a cape — but it was the _principle_ of the thing. He so clearly wasn't meant to be a sex toy for a giant slug, but even so, if he had to play the role, couldn't they have taken a few _key_ things into account?   
  
Poe grimaced as he pulled his hand back, mucus dripping from his palm and onto the floor of their prison cell- _cum-_ dungeon.  _Eurgh,_ Poe thought,  _what if this goo was Hutt jizz?_  
  
Pava snorted, crossing her arms over the skimpy blue leather bikini she'd only put on to avoid being prodded at with a taser. She'd been smarter about it than Poe, who had taken a little more electrical persuasion to change clothes. Rey had come out with something slightly more covering, but only barely, her new outfit a short, semi-sheer toga that clung to her figure. She shifted on her feet in annoyance, before shooting a questioning look between Jess and Poe.  
  
"My deepest sympathies, Commander," Jess said dryly. "I can't _imagine_ how that might feel," she wrinkled her nose at him. Poe paused, giving his Lieutenant a sharp glare of annoyance -it wasn't helpful to have _both_ of them bitching about this. And if anyone was going to complain about their situation—the awful bikinis and comically garish makeup on the girls _notwithstanding_ — it was going to be him. One light breeze and he'd be hanging in the wind.   
  
Rey pushed a stray lock of hair back behind her ear. "What're you two going on about?" she huffed, pacing the length of the room. "Because it doesn't sound like an actual way to get us out of here."  
  
"Oh," Poe said, rolling his shoulders slowly as he minded the taser burns and bruises he'd acquired for being a smartass. "Not that you girls aren't gorgeous," he said seriously, "But you know, neither of you are really my, ah, _type_." He made a vague gesture between them.  
  
"He means he likes dick," Pava translated, sitting down on the room's lone pallet. "And I'm a lesbian. So once again Rey, it's up to you to save the day. Or I mean, I could help take one for the team."  
  
Rey turned, and shot her a funny look over her shoulder. She looked as if she might say something for a moment, but then changed her mind quickly. "...I can't believe they took my staff. _And_ my saber!"  
  
"I can," Poe chimed in helpfully. "I think you clocked like, five different guys with that thing."  
  
"It _was_ pretty great. Almost worth getting thrown into a Hutt brothel for," Pava agreed, snickering.  
  
"Except now we can't get out of here," Rey said, frustration leaking into her voice as she continued to pace.  
  
"Just use the Force," Poe suggested. "Can't you just.... _do_ something? I mean, you did train with Luke. I got you that 'Jedi Graduate' holo-card and everything."  
  
"You got her a _Young Pilot's Camp_ Certificate and crossed out the part that said she was now a certified junior pilot, Poe, that's not the same thing." Jessika rolled her eyes.  
  
"It is _so_ the same thing."  
  
"—The _point_ ," Rey interrupted, "-Is that I can't make a straight vertical jump up to reach the hatch we came in here through. And I have no way to just slice through the bars." Rey pointed, frowning up at the ceiling. "And Hutts are immune to Force suggestion. Apparently."  
  
"Oh." Poe slumped.  
  
"Wait," Rey stopped. "Do you hear something? It sounds like..." she trailed off, straining to hear footsteps walking towards the hatch, as the three of them tensed. Someone was shouting.  
  
"Don't you have any idea who I am?" a man's voice echoed shrilly from above. "I'm supposed to be on your side!"  
  
Poe and Rey shared brief glance before an infuriated scream followed, and a fourth body landed in the middle of the room with a dull splash. Rey took a defensive step back, raising her fists in preparation. Poe on the other hand, stepped forwards, and immediately regretted it.  
  
"Oh not _him_ ," Poe said. "That wasn't even what I _meant_ ," he complained, standing back as an infuriated and unmasked Kylo Ren struggled to his feet between them. The knight's loincloth dipped perilously low around his hips, and if  _that_ alone didn't prove they were approximately a thousand times more screwed than they were before, Poe would've appreciated the chiseled muscles of the darksider a little more openly. The dude was _shredded_. He probably did evil workout routines with extra cardio. "I should've been more specific - _has_ a dick, not  _is_ one."  
  
Kylo gave him a murderous look that didn't return any of his dignity. Pava laughed.   
  
"Look at him," Poe said, jabbing a thumb towards Kylo as he pointed out the man's lack of clothing. "He doesn't have anywhere to hide a lightsaber. We're doomed."  
  
"They gave you _sleeves_ ," Kylo hissed, green slime squishing under his boots. "And a cape! Why do you get a cape?"  
  
"Probably because I'm not insane," Poe said, as Rey glared more fiercely at the knight, putting herself by Poe's side protectively. "Now shut up, and help us get out of here. I am _not_ about to die jacking off a wannabe sithlord for the viewing pleasure of a putrid slug drug lord."  
  
"You can say _that_ again," Pava said helpfully, shooting Kylo an infuriating smile as he seethed in her direction.  
  
"So," Rey said after a moment's hesitation. "...Any ideas?"

Poe swept his cape theatrically behind his shoulders, placing a hand on his hip as he struck a pose. "Okay, hear me out," he said, pointing at the puddle on the floor beneath Kylo Ren's feet. "- _First_ , we're going to need a  _giant_ saltshaker..." 

**Author's Note:**

> Leaving me comments makes my entire life.


End file.
